In a bold move that has left world leaders scratching their heads and podiatrists cheering, President Kamala Harris announced today her administration's latest initiative: Operation Soft Landing. Declaring stubbed toes a 'national security threat,' Harris outlined a plan to carpet every inch of the White House, from the Oval Office to the Situation Room. 'For too long, our leaders have been hobbled by these silent assassins lurking in the dark,' she proclaimed during a press conference, while demonstratively hopping on one foot for emphasis.

The declaration comes amid escalating global tensions, with conflicts raging in multiple hotspots. Yet, Harris insists that domestic safety starts at home—literally. 'While we're dealing with missiles and tariffs, let's not forget the real enemy: that coffee table you didn't see coming at 3 a.m.,' she quipped. Critics argue this is a distraction from more pressing issues, but supporters point out that no president has ever lost a war to furniture before.

White House staffers are already buzzing about the changes. One anonymous aide whispered, 'Finally, I can walk to the bathroom at night without fearing for my pinky toe.' The plan includes installing plush, high-pile carpets sourced from sustainable llama farms, ensuring both comfort and eco-friendliness. Harris even joked about extending the policy to Air Force One, turning it into the world's first flying shag rug.

Not everyone is on board. Republican lawmakers decried the move as 'fluffy socialism,' with one senator tweeting, 'Next thing you know, they'll mandate fuzzy slippers for Congress!' Meanwhile, the American Hardwood Flooring Association has launched a counter-campaign, arguing that bare floors build character—and occasionally bruises.

Harris's team has enlisted celebrity endorsements to bolster the cause. Comedian John Oliver offered to narrate a PSA, while barefoot enthusiast Tom Hanks promised to star in a short film titled 'Stubbed Away.' The administration estimates the project will cost $2.5 million, a drop in the federal bucket compared to military spending on actual wars.

As the carpets roll out, Harris envisions a broader 'Toe Safety Act' for all federal buildings. 'Imagine a world where no one yelps in pain during a midnight snack run,' she mused. Whether this will stub out international crises remains to be seen, but one thing's for sure: the White House is about to get a whole lot cozier.

In a final twist, Harris challenged world leaders to join the fight. 'Putin, if you're listening, carpet your Kremlin—peace starts with comfy feet!' While the satire here is thick, the message is clear: in politics, sometimes the smallest pains demand the biggest solutions.