In a bold move that has left political pundits scratching their heads and podiatrists cheering from the sidelines, President Kamala Harris announced today her administration's latest crusade: the total eradication of stubbed toes across the nation. 'No more shall Americans suffer the indignity of hopping around in pain after a midnight kitchen raid,' Harris declared from the podium, her eyes gleaming with the fire of a leader who has clearly stubbed her own toe one too many times.

The initiative, dubbed 'Operation Soft Landing,' kicks off with a comprehensive carpeting of the White House. Sources close to the Oval Office report that workers are already rolling out plush, toe-friendly shag rugs in every room, including the Situation Room, where generals will now strategize on surfaces softer than a teddy bear's belly. Critics argue this might undermine national security, but Harris insists, 'If our leaders can't think straight because of a rogue coffee table, how can we expect to handle real threats?'

White House press secretary Jen Psaki, in a briefing that devolved into a discussion of favorite sock brands, explained that the plan extends beyond 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. A proposed $2 trillion infrastructure bill includes funding for nationwide toe-protection measures, such as mandatory rubber bumpers on all furniture and glow-in-the-dark pathways in every home. 'We're building back better, one unbruised pinky at a time,' Psaki quipped, dodging questions about whether this diverts resources from, say, climate change or healthcare.

Reactions from the public have been mixed, with some hailing Harris as a visionary for tackling the 'silent epidemic' of stubbed toes, which reportedly causes more household profanity than burnt toast. One enthusiastic supporter tweeted, 'Finally, a president who gets it! My big toe thanks you, Madam President.' On the flip side, opposition leaders like Senator Ted Cruz blasted the move as 'fluffy nonsense,' claiming it's just a ploy to distract from real issues, though he admitted to having stubbed his toe on a filibuster once.

As the carpeting crews descend on the White House, insiders whisper about potential expansions to the program. Rumors swirl of a 'Toe Czar' position being created, possibly filled by a celebrity endorser like Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, whose famously tough feet could inspire a nation. Meanwhile, Harris has already scheduled a photo op where she'll dramatically stub a fake toe on an uncarpeted floor, only to be 'saved' by a timely rug rollout. Stay tuned as America pads its way toward a softer, safer future—or at least one with fewer expletives echoing through the halls of power.

In related news, the Secret Service is reportedly thrilled with the changes, as agents can now pursue intruders on silent, cushioned footing. 'It's like chasing bad guys in a pillow fort,' one agent confided anonymously. However, not everyone is on board; the hardwood flooring industry has launched a lobbying effort, arguing that carpets could lead to an uptick in dust allergies and existential crises for vacuum cleaner manufacturers.

Experts predict that if successful, Operation Soft Landing could pave the way for further Harris-led wars on everyday annoyances, such as squeaky doors or that one sock that always goes missing in the dryer. 'Why stop at toes?' asked a policy analyst. 'Next up: declaring war on paper cuts.'