In a bold move that has New Yorkers scratching their heads, a band of furry felons pulled off the heist of the century in Central Park yesterday. Dubbed the 'Nutty Nine' by eyewitnesses, these squirrels executed a daring raid on the park's acorn stockpiles, making off with enough nuts to fund a small rodent revolution. Park rangers were left dumbfounded as the acrobatic thieves zipped through trees like tiny ninjas, leaving behind only empty husks and a manifesto demanding 'prime tree real estate.'

The manifesto, scribbled on a discarded hot dog wrapper, outlines the squirrels' grievances: overcrowded branches, subpar nesting spots, and an unfair distribution of tourist peanuts. 'We've been pushed to the fringes while humans hog the benches and lawns,' it reads. 'No more! We demand luxury condos in the oaks and veto power over picnic locations.' Experts are analyzing the document, but one thing's clear—this isn't your average park pest problem.

Eyewitness accounts paint a picture of chaos. Jogger Emily Thompson reported seeing a squirrel with a tiny bandana leading the charge. 'It was like watching a heist movie, but with more tail-flicking and less George Clooney,' she said. Others claim the rodents used diversion tactics, like fake chattering to distract dogs, while their comrades loaded up on loot. One vendor even swears a squirrel flipped him off before vanishing into the foliage.

City officials are scrambling to respond. Mayor's office spokesperson admitted, 'We're nuts about this situation—pun intended. But negotiating with squirrels? That's a tough nut to crack.' Animal control has been deployed, but early attempts to recapture the culprits ended in slapstick failures, including one officer getting pelted with acorns from above.

Conspiracy theorists are already buzzing. Is this the dawn of the Squirrel Uprising? Online forums are ablaze with theories linking the heist to global warming, 5G towers, or even a secret squirrel society pulling strings from the shadows. One poster claimed, 'First nuts, next the world! Wake up, sheeple—er, people!'

Meanwhile, local businesses are capitalizing on the frenzy. A nearby cafe is selling 'Squirrel Uprising Lattes' with nutty foam art, and t-shirt vendors hawk designs featuring rebellious rodents. Even tourists are thrilled, snapping selfies with any bushy-tailed suspect they spot.

As the sun sets on Central Park, the question remains: Will humans concede to these demands, or will this escalate into all-out war? For now, park-goers are advised to guard their snacks and watch the trees. After all, in the battle for better real estate, these squirrels mean business—and they've got the nuts to prove it.