In a plot twist that has wildlife enthusiasts scratching their heads, squirrels across the nation have apparently unionized into a furry crime syndicate, pulling off the greatest nut heist in recorded history. Park rangers from New York to California are reporting empty oak trees and bewildered tourists, as these bushy-tailed bandits execute their plan with military precision.

Eyewitnesses describe scenes straight out of a spy thriller: squirrels rappelling down tree trunks with tiny harnesses, using acorn catapults to distract guards, and even employing decoy nuts painted to look like gourmet truffles. One ranger in Central Park lamented, 'I thought I was dealing with pigeons, but these squirrels are like the Ocean's Eleven of the animal kingdom.'

Experts are baffled by the level of coordination. Dr. Nutella Crunch, a leading rodent behaviorist, theorized that the squirrels might be communicating via a secret network of tail twitches and chittering Morse code. 'It's possible they've hacked into park Wi-Fi to plan their raids,' she said, only half-joking.

The heist has left trees bare and local ecosystems in disarray. Birds are protesting the lack of seeds, and deer are considering forming their own alliance. Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists claim this is just the beginning of a larger animal uprising, pointing to recent reports of raccoons raiding trash cans with surgical gloves.

Park services are scrambling to respond, deploying anti-squirrel drones and nut-scented traps. But the squirrels seem one step ahead, with rumors of underground bunkers stocked with pilfered pecans. One captured squirrel, when questioned, simply flicked its tail and scampered away, leaving rangers empty-handed.

As the nation watches this nutty saga unfold, one thing is clear: these rebellious rodents have outsmarted us all. Will humanity reclaim its parks, or will we be forced to negotiate with our furry overlords? Stay tuned for more updates from Not Necessarily The News.