In a stunning display of rodent rebellion, Central Park's squirrel population has taken to the trees—or rather, the ground beneath them—in a full-blown protest against what they call 'oppressive human nut policies.' Eyewitnesses report seeing dozens of bushy-tailed activists scampering about with minuscule picket signs reading 'Acorns Are a Right, Not a Privilege!' and 'No More Squirrel Evictions!' The uprising, dubbed 'The Great Nut Uprising of 2023,' has park-goers both amused and slightly terrified of potential acorn ambushes.

Leading the charge is a particularly feisty gray squirrel named Nutella, who claims to be the self-appointed president of the newly formed Squirrel Workers Union (SWU). 'We've been hoarding nuts for generations, only to have joggers and picnickers disrupt our sacred storage sites,' Nutella chattered through an interpreter (a nearby pigeon with a flair for drama). The union's demands include exclusive access to premium oak trees, a ban on squirrel feeders that 'promote dependency,' and reparations in the form of imported hazelnuts.

Park officials are scratching their heads over how to respond. 'We thought the squirrels were just cute little critters,' said one ranger, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of furry retaliation. 'Now they're organizing? What's next, demands for squirrel-sized tiny homes?' In a bizarre twist, some humans have joined the cause, donning squirrel costumes and chanting slogans like 'Free the Acorns!' leading to awkward encounters with actual squirrels who seem unimpressed by the solidarity.

The protest escalated when a group of rebel rodents blockaded a popular walking path, using strategically placed walnuts as barricades. Tourists snapped photos while trying not to step on the tiny demonstrators. 'It's like Occupy Wall Street, but with more fluff and less pepper spray,' quipped one observer. Authorities attempted to disperse the crowd with offers of birdseed, but the squirrels dismissed it as 'propaganda crumbs.'

As the sun sets on Central Park, the squirrels show no signs of backing down. Nutella has threatened a 'total nut blackout' if demands aren't met, which could mean a severe shortage of adorable scampering for park visitors. Will humans negotiate with these pint-sized protesters, or will it devolve into all-out acorn warfare? Only time—and perhaps a few well-placed peanuts—will tell.

In related news, local cats are reportedly forming their own alliance, eyeing the chaos as an opportunity to reclaim territory. 'If squirrels can unionize, why not us?' meowed a tabby spokesperson. The animal kingdom's labor movement is just getting started, and humans might soon find themselves outnumbered by organized wildlife.