In a bold move that's shaking the branches of Central Park, a band of furry activists has declared war on what they call 'exploitative nut economics.' The squirrels, led by a bushy-tailed firebrand named Nutty McSquirrely, have formed the United Squirrels of America (USA) union, demanding fair wages in the form of higher acorn yields and better working conditions for their tireless hoarding efforts.

Protests erupted early this morning when the squirrels began picketing oak trees, waving tiny signs reading 'Nuts for All!' and 'Down with Squirrel Oppression!' Joggers dodging the chaos reported being pelted with acorn shells, while picnickers found their lunches mysteriously vanishing amid the furry frenzy. 'It's like Occupy Wall Street, but with more tails and less coffee,' quipped one bewildered bystander.

Nutty McSquirrely, speaking through a translator (a park ranger with a nut allergy), explained the grievances: 'We've been slaving away, burying nuts for winter, only to find our stashes raided by greedy birds and forgetful humans. We demand dental plans for our chattering teeth and paid vacation to warmer trees!' The union's demands also include anti-squirrel trap legislation and mandatory nut-sharing seminars for all park wildlife.

Park officials are scrambling to respond, with one ranger admitting, 'We thought the biggest issue was off-leash dogs, but now we've got a rodent rebellion on our hands.' Attempts to negotiate have been hampered by the squirrels' refusal to sit still, often scampering off mid-sentence to chase imaginary foes or bury protest pamphlets.

Local experts weigh in on the uprising. Dr. Fauna Fizzle, a wildlife sociologist, noted, 'This is a classic case of arboreal inequality. Squirrels have been marginalized in the food chain for too long. If we don't address this, we could see a full-blown nut embargo, crippling the park's ecosystem and leaving tourists nutless.'

As the sun sets on Central Park, the squirrels show no signs of backing down. With chants of 'What do we want? Acorns! When do we want them? Now!' echoing through the trees, it's clear this protest is more than just a bunch of nuts—it's a revolution. Will the humans crack under pressure, or will the squirrels be forced to go underground? Stay tuned for more tails from the front lines.