In a bold move that's shaking the branches of Central Park, a band of bushy-tailed agitators has formed the United Squirrels Workers Union (USWU). Led by the charismatic acorn-hoarder Nutty McFluffytail, these furry revolutionaries are demanding better acorn benefits, including dental coverage for those pesky walnut-cracking mishaps, and shorter winters to combat the existential dread of endless hibernation.

The protest kicked off at dawn, with squirrels scampering up and down tree trunks, waving tiny picket signs reading 'Nuts to Exploitation!' and 'Bury the Bosses, Not Our Futures!' Park-goers were stunned as the rodents blocked jogging paths, causing a minor stampede of yoga enthusiasts fleeing from what they mistook for a rabid flash mob.

Union spokesperson Squeaky O'Nutters explained the grievances in a high-pitched press conference. 'We've been gathering acorns for the man—or should I say, the tree—for too long without fair compensation,' she chattered. 'And with global warming turning our burrows into saunas, we're demanding climate-controlled digs. No more sweating through summer siestas!'

Local authorities are scratching their heads on how to respond. Park rangers attempted negotiations, offering extra bird feeders as a peace offering, but the squirrels rejected it as 'crumbs from the capitalist table.' One ranger was overheard muttering, 'These nuts are driving me nuts!' as he dodged a barrage of strategically dropped acorns.

Experts warn this could spark a wave of animal uprisings. 'If squirrels unionize, what's next? Pigeons demanding better statues to poop on?' pondered wildlife sociologist Dr. Fauna Fiasco. Meanwhile, the squirrels have vowed to escalate, threatening a 'nut boycott' that could leave trees barren and humans without their autumn Instagram fodder.

In a twist of irony, the union's demands for shorter winters have drawn ire from climate activists. 'They're literally protesting global warming while asking for less winter? Make up your minds!' tweeted one frustrated environmentalist. But the squirrels remain undeterred, planning a march on the nearest oak tree to solidify their acorn-solidarity.

As the sun sets on this nutty standoff, one thing is clear: the era of squirrel subjugation is over. Whether they'll achieve their demands or end up as roadkill in the court of public opinion remains to be seen. For now, park visitors are advised to carry extra peanuts—bribes might be the only way to cross the picket line.