WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold legislative gambit that's got everyone from Capitol Hill interns to cable news pundits raising their eyebrows (but not too much, lest they get taxed), Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer has introduced the 'Sarcasm Surcharge Act.' This groundbreaking bill aims to slap a fee on excessive eye-rolling during press conferences, promising to turn passive-aggressive gestures into cold, hard cash for democratic initiatives. Schumer, ever the visionary, declared that 'democracy isn't free, and neither is your disdain.'

Under the proposed legislation, eye-rolling would be measured by a sophisticated new metric: the Ocular Disdain Index (ODI). Anything above a 3.5 on the ODI scale – think of it as the Richter scale for sarcasm – triggers a $5 fine per roll. Bored interns, who often perfect the art of subtle ocular rebellion while fetching coffee, could face cumulative penalties that rival their student loan debts. Journalists, notorious for their world-weary sighs and eye gymnastics, might need to budget for an 'attitude adjustment' line item in their expense reports.

Schumer's office released a statement emphasizing the bill's fairness. 'We're not targeting free speech,' it read, 'just the non-verbal kind that undermines our press briefings.' To enforce this, press rooms will be equipped with AI-powered cameras that detect and log eye movements, because nothing says 'transparency' like Big Brother watching your retinas. Critics argue this could lead to a black market in stoic facial expressions, with underground trainers teaching 'poker face' seminars in dimly lit basements.

Reactions have been predictably mixed, with a healthy dose of irony. One anonymous White House correspondent quipped, 'If they're taxing eye-rolls, what's next? A levy on exasperated sighs or a tariff on throat-clearing?' Interns, meanwhile, are organizing a protest – carefully, of course, to avoid any taxable gestures. Social media is ablaze with memes depicting Schumer as a stern schoolteacher, ruler in hand, measuring pupil dilation for signs of mockery.

The funds raised from this sarcasm surcharge are earmarked for bolstering democratic institutions, such as voter education programs and anti-disinformation campaigns. Schumer envisions a future where every eye-roll contributes to a more informed electorate. 'Imagine,' he mused in a recent interview, 'turning snark into smarts.' Economists project the bill could generate upwards of $10 million annually, assuming press conferences remain as tedious as ever.

Of course, not everyone's on board. Republican senators have decried the bill as 'yet another Democrat tax on American freedoms,' with one suggesting a counter-bill to subsidize eye-rolling as a form of protected protest. Libertarians are up in arms, arguing that the government has no right to monetize their boredom. Even some Democrats are whispering concerns, fearing the tax might disproportionately affect millennials and Gen Z-ers, who communicate primarily through memes and facial tics.

In a twist that only satire could provide, Schumer himself was caught on camera rolling his eyes at a question about the bill's constitutionality. His staff quickly clarified it was 'under the 3.5 threshold – barely.' As the debate rolls on, one thing's certain: in the halls of power, every gesture counts, and soon, it might cost you.