In a move that has shaken the world more than a poorly timed breakup text, Taylor Swift has unleashed her latest album upon the masses. Titled 'Eternal Echoes of Exes Past' or something equally dramatic, the record has fans worldwide diving headfirst into pools of their own tears. Economists are baffled as the global supply of heartbreak reaches critical lows, with some countries declaring states of emotional emergency.

Craft stores, those bastions of DIY enthusiasm, are reporting unprecedented runs on glitter. 'We've never seen anything like it,' said one bewildered store manager, knee-deep in empty shelves. 'It's like every Swiftie decided to bedazzle their feelings all at once.' Suppliers are working overtime, but experts warn that if this glitter famine continues, we might have to start mining disco balls for resources.

Meanwhile, therapists are booking appointments into the next decade. 'Taylor's lyrics are like therapy in reverse,' quipped one psychologist. 'Instead of healing, they rip open old wounds and sprinkle salt – or in this case, glitter – right in there.' Support groups are forming faster than you can say 'bad blood,' with members sharing stories of how the album turned their minor heartaches into full-blown symphonies of sorrow.

Not to be outdone, the fashion industry is capitalizing on the chaos. New lines of 'Swiftie Survival Kits' include tissues embroidered with song lyrics and emergency glitter bombs for those moments when you need to sparkle through the pain. Celebrities are jumping on the bandwagon too, with some claiming the album inspired their latest questionable life choices.

Environmentalists are raising alarms about the glitter shortage's impact. 'Glitter is basically microplastics with a fabulous attitude,' noted one activist. 'If we don't curb this Swift-induced craze, our oceans will look like a perpetual New Year's Eve party gone wrong.' Proposals for sustainable heartbreak alternatives are being floated, like biodegradable tears or recycled regrets.

On the brighter side, the album has boosted productivity in unexpected ways. Procrastinators everywhere are finally cleaning out their ex's stuff from the closet, inspired by track seven's epic bridge. 'Who knew catharsis could be so motivational?' mused a fan, surrounded by boxes destined for the donation bin.

Critics are divided, with some hailing it as Swift's magnum opus and others suggesting it's just a clever ploy to corner the market on human emotions. 'She's not just a singer; she's an emotional tycoon,' one reviewer wrote. Regardless, the world waits with bated breath – and empty glitter jars – for what Taylor does next.