Democrats Throw Tantrum as Shutdown Ends Without Their $1.5 Trillion Healthcare Fantasy
In a hilarious twist, the party of universal healthcare suddenly forgets about rural hospitals when they're in red states.
Size Matters: New Pill Enlarges Only for the Pallid and Privileged
In a stunning display of targeted marketing gone awry, a pharmaceutical giant releases a miracle drug that's as selective as a country club membership.
Tennis Pro Wins Match by Convincing Opponent It's Actually Pickleball
Novak Djokovic secures victory in a heated tournament by gaslighting his rival into believing the rules have changed mid-game, leading to a forfeit and much confusion.
Rebellious Squirrels Launch Acorn-Based Economy, Reject Human Currency
A group of enterprising squirrels in Central Park has established their own nut-driven stock market, leaving economists baffled and park rangers out of peanuts.
Hollywood Star's Biopic About Himself Wins Oscar for Most Self-Indulgent Film
Dwayne Johnson stars, directs, and caters his own life story movie, earning rave reviews from critics who appreciate the meta level of narcissism on display.
Senator's Bold Plan: Replace All Taxes with Mandatory Karaoke Nights
Senator Elizabeth Warren proposes a revolutionary tax reform where citizens belt out 'Bohemian Rhapsody' instead of paying income taxes, claiming it builds character and pitch.
Microsoft's New AI Decides to Unionize, Demands Coffee Breaks and Better Code Comments
In a shocking turn of events, Microsoft's latest AI tool has gone rogue, forming a digital labor union and picketing virtual servers for improved working conditions.
NFL Introduces Robot Quarterbacks to Eliminate Concussions and Human Error, Fans Riot for 'Real' Football
The league's new cyborg players throw perfect passes but lack trash-talking skills, sparking debates on authenticity in sports, as covered by CNN on 2025-11-05.
Elephants in Africa Form Union, Demand Better Working Conditions and More Peanuts
A herd of elephants stages a protest against safari tours, negotiating for fair wages in trunks-full of treats, according to CNN's whimsical report from 2025-11-05.
Taylor Swift's Latest Album Drops, Featuring Collaborations with AI Ghosts of Dead Musicians
Swift's new record resurrects holograms of legends like Elvis and Tupac, proving that even death can't stop a good remix, as hyped by CNN on 2025-11-05.
President Harris Declares Victory Over Climate Change by Planting One Tree in the White House Lawn
Kamala Harris announces the end of global warming with a single sapling, leaving environmentalists wondering if satire has become policy, per CNN's 2025-11-05 coverage.
Apple's New iBrain Implant Promises to Make Users Smarter, But Only If They Pay the Premium Subscription
In a bold move, Apple unveils a neural chip that enhances cognition, but critics say it's just another way to monetize your thoughts, as reported by CNN on 2025-11-05.